


Lies Lie

by Kantayra



Category: Smallville
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-20
Updated: 2007-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-19 01:43:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/195495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kantayra/pseuds/Kantayra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex Luthor can taste lies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lies Lie

**Author's Note:**

> Written for undermistletoe's holiday challenge. I got the prompt: _Pick a character. Pick a Chuck Norris Fact (as in, Lex Luthor does not sleep. He waits.) And...go._

Lex was standing in line, waiting to order his latte, when Clark pinched his ass. After the requisite startled moment, he turned to look behind him. Clark was looking heavenward in the worst expression of innocence Lex had ever seen, and whistling as he did so.

“Clark?” Lex began hesitantly.

“Yes, Lex?”

“Why did you just pinch me?”

“What are you talking about?” Clark asked, his eyes darting around suspiciously. “I didn’t pinch you.”

“Yes, you did. Just now.”

“It must have just been a bug or something,” Clark insisted.

Lex blinked. “A bug pinched me?”

“Yeah.”

“With its…fingers?” Lex asked skeptically.

“With its stinger,” Clark clarified.

“On my ass?”

“Golly, I guess so.”

Lex’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Who on earth says ‘golly’, anyway?” he demanded.

Clark’s forehead broke out in a stress sweat. “I didn’t say ‘golly’,” he announced cheerfully, completely at odds with the rest of his body language.

Lex just gritted his teeth and turned back to the front of the line. Sometimes, it wasn’t even worth the effort…

***

“Hey!” Lex yelped in sudden surprise when he lined up his pool shot, only to have Clark zoom up behind him, give Lex’s ass a firm squeeze, and then just as quickly pull away again. By the time Lex looked over, Clark was leaning back against the mantelpiece again, although now his face was flushed a bright red and he had a raging hard-on.

“What?” Clark blinked at him really slowly and blushed even more.

“Must be those Smallville bugs again,” Lex commented sarcastically.

Clark looked confused.

Lex rolled his eyes; Clark couldn’t even _remember_ the ridiculous story he’d made up last time. “The ones that pinch my ass?” Lex helpfully reminded him.

“Oh…right,” Clark nodded a second too late. “You should probably see an exterminator about that.”

“Hmm, yes.” Lex lined up his shot again. “Tell me, how are things going between you and Lana these days?”

“Lana?” Clark sounded kind of stunned. Lex leaned over the pool table even further for more dramatic effect.

“The girl you’ve been obsessing over since you were six,” Lex helpfully reminded him.

“Oh. That Lana. We broke up.” Clark said the words like they weren’t a cataclysmic shift in the world order at all.

Lex shot and missed. The six ball dangled at the edge for a good minute before something suddenly propelled it down into the hole. A thin wisp of smoke wafted forth from the corner pocket. When Lex glanced over at Clark, Clark was staring at the place where the ball had been the exact same way he looked whenever Lex caught Clark staring at his ass.

“Nice shot,” Clark announced brightly. “You get to shoot again.” He said the last with such enthusiasm that Lex didn’t have the heart to call him on his blatant cheating. Besides, who was he to complain if Clark wanted to lose?

Lex lined up his next shot, wiggled his ass a little bit extra for good measure, and heard Clark groan blissfully. All in all, it wasn’t a bad afternoon at all.

That evening, after Clark had run off to attend to his chores, Lex studied the six ball. It had a perfectly round singe on one side.

“Oh, Clark…” Lex sighed.

***

The first time Clark actually physically assaulted Lex was when the Claymore brothers tried to hold up the bank on Main Street. Lex had been sorting out the usual paperwork associated with employee payroll when the first gunshots were fired.

Specifically, exactly two gunshots were fired because, before the third brother could set off his warning shot, all three of their guns mysteriously vanished from their hands and appeared on the security counter, their barrels twisted into knots. A split-second later, and all three brothers found themselves upside-down in the trash bin out front.

Lex had just time enough to process what was happening before he found himself flat on his back on the bank floor with six feet two inches of tanned farm boy on top of him, covering Lex’s mouth desperately with his own.

That, at least, was unusual enough that Lex let out a startled squeak. He instinctively struggled for a moment, before he remembered that this wasn’t something he really wanted to end. It was a bit awkward that some of the bank’s very confused patrons were watching their boss being kissed within an inch of his life by the town’s local teenage hero, but there were some circumstances in which Lex was willing to sacrifice his pride. Having Clark grind against him was definitely one of those circumstances.

Finally, after Lex was starting to feel a bit dizzy at being so thoroughly smothered by that writhing body, Clark pulled back.

Lex blinked up at him.

“What did you do that for?”

“There were robbers,” Clark insisted. “I had to knock you to the floor before you got shot.”

“Before I got shot, even though they’d already lost their guns?”

Clark nodded with perfectly suspicious agreement.

“And then you had to kiss me, because?”

“CPR.”

“CPR?”

“Yes.”

“For…the gunshots?”

“Exactly.”

“That were going to be fired after the robbers had lost their guns?”

“Strange things happen in Smallville, Lex,” Clark informed him primly.

Lex was starting to suspect that being the latest object of Clark’s affections was the strangest thing of all. “Well, then,” he sighed. “Carry on.”

Clark looked torn for a minute before he got up. “You’re awake now, so you don’t need any more CPR.” He offered Lex a hand up.

“A pity, that.”

Clark looked at him like he was out of his mind. Lex supposed that Clark was used to that being the natural result for anyone who spent too much time in his presence.

***

Lex had been mostly just amused by this latest turn of events until Clark spontaneously stripped him naked in the middle of his front lawn one day.

Lex had been standing on his front lawn in the first place because Dolores had left a pan of rice on the burner when the doorbell rang. She’d gone to get the mail, which had involved signing for several packages, and then she’d noticed that one of the packages was the budget report Lex had been waiting for all week, so she’d kindly delivered it to him herself.

Of course, during all this, the rice burned and set off the kitchen smoke detector.

The entire mansion had evacuated with immaculate decorum and efficiency before Dolores remembered that she’d left the rice on and that was probably what had set off the alarm. Jake, one of the gardeners, had run back in to turn off the range and pour ice-cold water over the now ruined pan. That had turned off the smoke detector, and everyone had returned to the mansion, relieved that this wasn’t another invasion by acid-dripping mutants.

Lex had been one of the last to go and, as he checked over the front lawn one last time to make sure no one had left anything behind, he suddenly found himself completely naked.

“What on—?” he blinked in shock.

Then he looked up, and of course Clark had spontaneously appeared on the scene at the exact time that the bizarre occurrences had begun. Clark was also holding Lex’s folded clothes.

Lex sighed. “Clark…”

“You were on fire!” Clark insisted, looking panicked and a little lust-glazed.

“You’ve never heard of ‘stop, drop, and roll’?”

Clark got a manic look in his eyes like he was debating tackling Lex right there and then.

“I’m not on fire!” Lex hurriedly shrieked in alarm.

“Not now that I’ve saved your life,” Clark agreed. From the direction of his gaze, it seemed he was having this conversation with Lex’s penis.

“Clark, it’s cold out.” Lex shivered slightly for effect. Summer was fast approaching, so standing naked in his front yard wasn’t _too_ unpleasant, temperature-wise. However, he didn’t entirely trust that Chloe Sullivan didn’t randomly camp out in his bushes, hoping to get a scoop, or that his entire staff wasn’t watching them through the windows, laughing at him.

“Oh, here.” Clark instantly caught Lex up in his arms.

Lex didn’t exactly object, except for the fact that his bare ass was still dangling out in the late spring air. However, the way Clark was nuzzling his throat was quite enjoyable.

“Next time,” Lex suggested carefully, “if you want to get me naked, can you just ask?”

Clark pulled away. “What are you talking about, Lex?” he demanded in false shock.

“You can’t honestly think I’m fooled by all this,” Lex retorted. “You don’t have to lie to me, really. We can just go back inside and—”

“Are you accusing me of something?” Clark demanded, looking horribly offended. “Because I thought we’d gotten past all of this, Lex.”

Lex felt a sudden headache coming on. “Can we not have this discussion while I’m naked in my front yard?” he requested.

Apparently, it was the wrong request to make. In another flash, his clothes had been shoved into his arms, and Clark Kent had vanished off into the distance. Lex swore in frustration.

Fortunately, as he redressed, he realized that his underwear had mysteriously gone missing. At least Clark couldn’t be _too_ mad at him, then.

***

It all came to a head three days later. Lex hadn’t seen Clark that entire time, and he’d been about ready to head over to the Kents’ barn and apologize when Clark beat him to it.

Lex had just been leaving his study when the doors burst open. He and Clark almost physically collided in the doorway, and Clark reached out with lightning-quick reflexes to catch Lex against his chest. Lex hadn’t been in any danger of falling, but he decided not to complain.

“Hello, Clark,” Lex said, his nose suddenly pressed into a red flannel shirt that stretched over finely honed muscle.

“Lex! There you are,” Clark agreed cheerfully.

“I’m always here,” Lex pointed out, looking up so that he could meet Clark’s eyes. “Did you want something?”

Clark promptly set about to tongue-bathing his tonsils.

Lex did a bit of frantic flailing before he finally got his own tongue into play and was able to fend off some of Clark’s more frighteningly enthusiastic assaults. Things were still tense until he managed to free one hand, caught Clark’s chin, and tilted it to the appropriate angle so that he could plunder Clark’s mouth mercilessly. Clark moaned with approval, and Lex was pleased to note that Clark was a very quick learner.

After that, Lex thoroughly lost track of time, except that the sun must have set because his office was getting quite dark and his legs were starting to get tired from standing for so long. Clark tried to alleviate the latter for a time by lifting Lex up so that his legs were wrapped around Clark’s waist and his back was pressing against the door frame. However, such a position simply wasn’t that comfortable for long periods of time, and Lex was reluctantly forced to pull away.

As soon as he did, Clark zipped away for one moment, and then zipped back in the next. He created quite a breeze as he did so, and it rustled the papers on Lex’s desk.

Lex gave him a curious look.

“What?” Clark asked shiftily.

Lex let out a frustrated sigh. “Never mind. Although if we’re going to continue like this, you might want to tell me a few things first.”

“Continue like what?”

Lex felt his left eye begin to develop a distinct twitch. “Making out for”—he checked his watch—“two and half hours?” he suggested.

“Oh, that. That was just because of the mistletoe.”

“Mistletoe?”

Clark pointed up. Sure enough, there was a sprig of mistletoe over Lex’s door. It most certainly hadn’t been there before Clark had kissed Lex. At least that answered the question of where Clark had dashed off to just now. Lex wondered how far Clark had had to run to find mistletoe at this time of year.

Suddenly, Lex felt very tired of this whole game. “Clark,” he insisted with rapidly shattering patience, “that mistletoe wasn’t here before you came in.”

Clark frowned, as if perplexed that Lex could have realized his deception. “How can you be sure?” he countered, crossing his arms over his chest. “Maybe one of your staff hung it.”

“In May?”

“Uh… Yeah?”

Lex took a deep, calming breath. “Why don’t we sit down?” He gestured to the couch. His legs were still feeling wobbly after that kiss, after all.

Clark, fidgeting nervously with the sleeves of his jacket, followed and sat down beside him.

“It’s all right, Clark,” Lex tried to sound soothing, and he rested one hand on Clark’s thigh to stop his foot from tapping nervously on the floor. Clark instantly blushed a deep red in response, and he adjusted his jeans in the least covert manner that Lex had ever seen. “I do want to apologize for that day on the lawn,” Lex continued. “I may have phrased things a bit more harshly than I intended.”

“Well,” Clark conceded forgivingly, “you _were_ naked.”

“Mmm, yes, I was.” It was a state Lex fervently hoped to repeat before the night was through. “I do feel that we have several important issues to discuss, however.”

“Gee, Lex,” Clark looked clueless. “Like what?”

Clark seemed about ready to bolt, as per usual. Lex had to admire Clark’s flight instinct; it seemed it was even enough to overcome Clark’s very prominent desire. It did mean that Lex had to handle things carefully, however.

“I think,” Lex began gently, “this all stems back to your break-up with Lana. I take it the two of you are still separated?”

Clark relaxed at what seemed like any of the last eight million conversations they’d had. “It’s really over between us this time,” he agreed. “She even has a new boyfriend, and he’s not a meteor mutant set on harvesting her skin.”

“Er… Good for her.” Lex blinked and shook his head to clear it. Maybe there were some things he was happy Clark didn’t tell him. “You don’t seem too upset by this turn of events,” he prodded.

Clark shrugged in a way that made him look endearingly like an oversized puppy that hadn’t quite grown into all its limbs yet. “I guess I realized that we’d only kissed a grand total of two times, and neither of them were very good.”

Lex coughed at Clark’s sudden, amazing ability to see the obvious. “I’m also guessing that you’ve moved on to someone else now?” he pried.

Clark’s face instantly turned beet red. “Um…” he hedged.

Lex went out on a limb. After all, there was just no way of making this transition gracefully. “I even suspect that you’ve moved on to me.”

Clark’s face went slack with astonishment. “H-How did you guess?”

There were two ways of handling that question: the rational way, and the Clark Kent way. Lex knew far too well by now not to try the former. “I can taste lies,” he said instead.

Clark’s panicking stopped in a moment. “Huh?”

“I can taste lies,” Lex insisted. “That’s how I know you’re in love with me.”

“Oh…” Clark’s mind processed that for a second, before that statement fell neatly into the ‘makes sense’ box. Sometimes, Lex wondered if Clark wasn’t a little bit insane, and Lex was a little bit insaner for going along with Clark’s insanity. “Okay. Like a super power?”

“Yes, exactly like that,” Lex agreed. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll only use it for good. After all, I’m in love with you, too.”

Clark’s cheeks flushed again, but this time he was smiling as well. “Really?” He looked up at Lex from under long lashes, impossibly coy.

“Really,” Lex assured him.

Clark breathed a sigh of relief. “That was a close call. It didn’t even occur to me that I was giving myself away when I kissed you in the bank.”

Lex tried very hard not to laugh. “No, I don’t imagine it did.”

Clark’s eyes widened. “And the guns…” He looked suddenly nervous.

“Yes, Clark,” Lex insisted patiently, “I do know that you’re an orphan from a distant planet with superhuman speed, strength, and vision. And possibly also gullibility.”

“Wow. You can taste a lot.” Clark was smiling at that last statement, though. Lex suddenly wondered exactly who was fooling whom here.

“It’s a very well-honed power,” Lex insisted a bit haughtily.

“Mmm, I’ll bet,” Clark agreed. “In fact, I wonder just how much you can taste…” He leaned in, a feral gleam in his eyes, and pounced before Lex could do anything to protest. “See if you can taste what exactly I want to do to you,” Clark suggested before pinning Lex’s body back down to the couch and kissing him breathless.

“Everything?” Lex gasped when Clark pulled back.

“That’s incredible,” Clark agreed. “We’re going to make an amazing team, Lex.” And his tongue promptly began doing obscene things to Lex’s throat.

Lex groaned and realized that it was true. Because, with Lex’s ability to see the blindingly obvious and Clark’s ability to do absolutely everything else, they could rule the world together. Or maybe just have sex on Lex’s couch a lot.

The latter actually seemed to be winning out at this point. Lex didn’t mind in the slightest.


End file.
